I've had too much caffeine

So, we are getting ready to complete our yearly home study update for adoption.  It's something that has to be done each year to keep us eligible for adoption.  Anyway, I have been thinking of crazy things kids say and I have decided to write down the WORST things kids could say during a home study.

1.  "Mommy drinks ALOT after the nice church ladies leave."

2.  "Those child proof tops on Mommys Happy Meds are REALLY easy to get off."

3.  "Mommy told me before you got here if I touched anything in the house she would rip my arms off and feed them to the dog."

4.  "Mommy says she really hopes you don't look in the attic 'cause that's where she keeps the instruments of torture."

5.  "Mommy threatened Daddy with bodily harm and possible death if he didn't get off his lazy butt and help her clean the house."

6.  "Mommy doesn't kiss Daddy like she does "Uncle Charlie."

7.  "Mommy took a triple dose of meds before you came here this morning.  She says she hopes you don't notice her pupils are fixed and dilated."

8.  "Mommy said if I don't tell you that I'm a happy kid and love my home that she would lock me in a closet and feed me nothing but bread and water for a week."

9.  "Mommy says she hopes you don't get in the special drawer in her bedroom that has some funny lotions in it. "

10.  "Mommy says she's going to jump off the roof if she has to do one more *&^% home study."

11. " Sometimes when Mommy and Daddy are sleeping, I like to play scientist with all the cleaning products I can find."

12.  "Last week, my baby brother was eating out of the litter box and Mommy said that which does not kill us makes us stronger."

13.  "Yesterday, the cat bit my baby brother, and as he was bleeding all over the place, Mommy called the vet to get the cats shots updated for the first time in 5 years."

14.  "Last week, Daddy complained about dinner and Mommy threw the food across the kitchen and told Daddy to make his own (*&^ dinner next time."


I'm not right in the head.  For the record...my kid has only said ONE of these in public.  I will let you guess which one.