Small Boy Training Camp...I'm a genius

4 small boys...........4 small boys.............4 FLIPPIN SMALL BOYS!!!!!  Lord almighty, I love my sons, but today is one of those days where I'm sitting here at the end of the day wondering "What the hell just happened".  The events of today got me thinkin.....There is a missing niche in the market, and I think I've discovered it.  Its called "Small Boy training camp".  No, its not for small boys...its for the PARENTS of small boys.  Seriously, I think every ultrasound tech should be ready with brochures.  When they detect a boy is to be born, the tech can hand out the brochure and say "A certificate of completion is required before we let you take your boy home, in ten years you'll thank us"  

Upon arrival, you may notice that this is not your "typical" camp.  Its in a warehouse.  A warehouse of PAIN!  You will enter the Pain Zone (PZ for short) and immediately be hit in the face with a stick.  Why?  What did you do to deserve this?  Absolutely nothing.  You need to get used to that sting, cuz you're going to feel it every day for at least 10 years.  See, when  you put a stick into a Small Boys (SB) hands, it immediately becomes a tool of destruction.  Its not a magical wand, a conductors baton, or a drum stick...its a WEAPON FOR CAUSING PAIN!  The same with baseball bats, play swords (which hurt really bad and makes me wonder who the heck thought of such torture devices), and the neighbors cat.  All of these and many more will immediately turn your angel into a demon.  You've been warned.

Once your face stops throbbing, its onto hardware.  This is for you dads out there.  I dont care if you are a handy man, you're gonna have to know some things before you bring your SB home.  If you dont know them, then you need to have some serious cash stashed away for the handy man you will have to call.  First up...toilets.  Each man will be timed on how long it takes them to snake, snake again, give up on snaking, rip the toilet out, retrieve the object (and yes, it will be an object), replace the wax ring, and put the toilet on again.  I'm proud to say that Andy has this down to usually under 10 minutes.  He's a flippin PRO at it.  You get points taken off if you become nauseous at any time.  After toilets, its the sinks.  You need to figure out how to get various items out that your SBs have managed to get into a drain.  Paper towel, lego men, toothbrushes, and chicken nuggets have all been squished down my bathroom sink. 

While the men are busy playing with hardware, its the womens turn.  Ladies, this is where it helps to be slightly psychotic.  You need to learn to think on your feet.  First lesson....language arts. Here you will learn the art of saying "stop hitting your brother" in 4 different languages and tones.  One of them may be effective with your SB. You will also learn how to come up with diseases and maladies that dont exist or will never happen.  You need to think fast and make it as gruesome as possible.  For example, say your SB wants to jump off something that is a bit too high.  I assure you, a simple "No, you might get hurt" is not going to persuade them that it is a bad idea.  Its more like this "if you jump off of that object, than your leg is going to fall off, your eyeballs will bleed, and you'll have to poop into a bag for the rest of your life".  You have to be as deadly serious as you possibly can.  NO LAUGHING!!!!!  Same goes for insects, if you dont know the name of the bug, make it up and make it as deadly as possible.  "If you touch that Beetle Raptor, then it'll bite you and you'll get these horrible bleeding spots all over  your body and theres no medicine for it and then you die".  See, its as easy as that.
 After you have learned how to speak in tongues, its onto crafts.  Each woman will be given a "girly" craft...the women will be timed on how quickly they can turn that girly craft into a manly craft.  Most little boys HATE girlie things.  For example, last year I registered Eli for VBS.  When we arrived, he was given a nametag with a corresponding insect on it.  Eli was quite upset that he was put in the "girly butterfly group".  I quickly grabbed a marker and his name tag.  I drew fangs on the butterfly and said "There, now you are in the butterfly vampire group".  He was ECSTATIC! 

Next, the men and women will join back up.  As you walk through the PZ, you may notice dispensers on the walls.  These dispensers contain little white or peach-colored pills.  These are the Xanax dispensers, and no men, they arent for you, they are for your wives.  Men, you need to calmly walk your wife to these dispensers and say that its chocolate for mommies.  Men, you dont get any because its your punishment for putting your mothers through whatever it is that you did when you were younger.  That'll teach you!!!!!!!!

Now its time for a group activity.  Men, when you signed in, you were asked for your occupation.  Each men will be taken to his designated work area (cubicle with complex computer, cars for mechanics, farm equipment, whatever it is that you do).  Calmly start doing your job.  At any given moment, something horrible will happen to that equipment.  At the same time, your wives will begin texting you.  The texts will look something like this "HELP, I NEED YOUR HELP, THE BOYS DID THIS AND THAT AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND ITS YOUR FAULT!"  Men, you need to concentrate on both issues at hand.  Should you neglect to answer your wives texts, then a phone call will follow.  I assure you, you DONT want the phone call. 

Next, we're going to play the SB version of "Telephone".  Remember that game when you were younger?  You'd get a line of people, a phrase would start on one end and then end up all jumbled by the time it got to the other end?  The SB version will put husband against wife.  Wives, you will be put into a room with several SB's.  Husbands, you call your wives with very important information.  Wives, you are awarded points as to how accurate you are with your husbands info.  While your husband is speaking, the SBs will be kicking you, tugging on your clothes, throwing cake batter at their brothers, chasing a hamster, pretending to be spiderman on the walls, and yelling "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THE TOILETS BROKE AGAIN!".  You cannot ignore the SB's, as they will only get louder until you address them.  (and you wonder why I like email and texting)

The last training exercise is for Mom and Dad.  Its called "What is that spot on the wall?".  Each couple will be given multiple tiles of dried "stuff".  Each will need to be correctly identified and bonus points will be given if either one knows how to remove it without damaging the wall.  Some examples will be oatmeal, chocolate, ketchup, oreo, blood, etc. 

Once you have completed all the exercises, you will be awarded with nothing.  Yep, not a darn thing.  However, you will be allowed to take your SB home from the hospital, which in itself is enough reward :)


I love my sons.  I love them so much :)  And, this is going to make me millions......


Its either we laugh or....we go to BED!

Angie

when it works, it's beautiful

You get a phone call in the wee hours of the morning.  "She's in labor" they say, "Are you ready to be a mommy?"  You thought you were ready until that phone call.  It's real, it's really going to happen.  You get up, pace around, look in your closet and ask your husband "What exactly does one wear to the birth of their child?"  "Why aren't you getting dressed? Why are you in bed?" you ask manically.  He groans not quite ready for the drama of all this so early.  "Can I at least get a shower?" he says.  Not soon enough, you are on the road to the hospital. For some, it's by plane, some by car.  We were lucky in that it took us no time to get there.  Then begins the delicate balance of walking the line between birth mom and adoptive mom.  The nurses aren't sure what to make of the whole situation.  The birth mom is fabulous in keeping you involved in all the details.  "This is your baby I'm having" she says, and you melt all over again.  "It's going to be a while" they say.  "If you want to go to church and come back, it will be fine. "  What?  Go to church?  And leave?  How could I possibly leave!?  It's MY baby being born!!!!!  After many hours, they say "At least go and get something to eat so you don't pass out. "  so, you leave, and go out into the world, and you wonder how people can act so normal when a miracle is taking place right down the street.  You get back, wait some more. Finally they say, "It's time.  Only one of you can go back."  Of course it's you.  The hubbs can fend for himself.  You walk into the surgery room, and there she is with a drape in front of her so we can't see what's going on.  "Are you ok?" you ask.  "I'm numb" she says.  And then it's procedure and blah blah blah and all of sudden a baby screams and you burst into tears.  And then she's in your arms.  The most perfect, beautiful creature you have ever laid your eyes on.  It's your daughter.  All 6 lbs, 8 oz 18 3/4 inches of her.  And she's looking at you.  But you can't see much 'cause all you can do is cry and snot all over the place.  "She's beautiful" you say for the 100th time, and the nurses all smile at you.  Then it's off to the nursery for her, and you to the hallway to see the family.  You fall into your husbands arms and you both cry.  "She's beautiful" you say...again.  Then you get to see her through the glass and lo and behold, they ask if you want to give her her first bath.  Of course!  And then she's in your arms again and all is right with the world.  The hubbs is climbing the walls wanting to hold her.  Finally, he is able to give her the first bottle, and all is right with the world.  Days go by, you stay in the hospital because you don't want to miss a moment. Then it's time and you wonder how it's possible that they are just going to let you walk out the doors with this precious angel.  But they do, and it's onto a new life.  Some time goes by, and the judge says "She's yours."  Of course, you have known this all along.  From the moment of the first cry.  She's all yours, and always will be.   This, my friends, is the BEAUTY of adoption.  And this, is why we continue to fight.  For when you experience that miracle once, you can't help but want to do it again.  I love you Micaiah Hope Sholty.

keepin it real

You get a phone call in the middle of the day and your heart stops in it's tracks.  It's "her".  Your adoption consultant.  She only calls if there's news.  There's 2 kids that need homes NOW.  Would you be willing to take them?  You freeze, your heart skips several beats, and you suddenly want to vomit.  Of course, of course we will take them.  Meeting tomorrow morning with the agency?  Sure, we will make it happen. What to do...what to do?  You walk in circles, call those closest to you.  Try not to get excited they say.  You've been hurt enough.  Of course I won't.  In actuality, you already have the names picked out.  You know who you can get clothes, toys, a bed from.  Try not to get your heart set on it.  It's just a meeting.  In actuality, you have their education and their life story already planned.  You don't sleep a wink that night thinking of "them".  What do they look like?  Will they love us?  The meeting takes forever.  You suddenly have spastic colon and want to throw up.  Am I coming across as good enough?  Do they see how much I love this man beside me?  Do they see what an amazing man and father he is?  The cost?  oh...the cost.  That's fine.  We will figure it out.  We will sell all of our possessions and move into a shack if need be.  Kids are worth it right?  You leave feeling like you've been hit by a truck.  The meeting was fabulous, you debate about whether or not to tell the other little one in your life.  You get home, want to sleep but so much to do.  Coffee it is!  Then, the phone call again.  Your head spins, you pace, you beg God to make this happen.  It's too perfect you have said so many times in the past 24 hours.  Oh, someones talking to me.  Oh...Oh...ok, I see.  And the world stops turning.  It's not going to happen.  We don't fit the mold of what they are looking for. Suddenly the names, the plans, the hope disappears, and once again, you are left with a hole the size of Texas in your heart. This, sadly, is the reality of adoption.  It's the ups, the downs, the severe downs.  You have been taught to praise the Lord even in horrible circumstances.  What you really want to do is crawl into the bottom of that old Tequilla bottle and don't come out.  Put on the happy face.  Dry the tears in front of the kiddos.  And you move on and continue to fight when every ounce of your being wants to give up.  Adoption, in its purest form, is one of the most beautiful experience this world can offer.  The road is hard, though.  We're taking a break...licking our wounds....rethinking every decision made in this journey...and contemplating whether or not we have what it takes to continue.  It's a time in life when we don't want to discuss it.  We don't want to hear how it will "all work out" in the end.  That God has a child for us.  I don't want to hear it right now.  I've had enough Christianese for a year.  What I know, is that my God is good.  He is a just God and I love him.  I am mad as hell at him right now, but I deeply love him and he knows that.

Soooo, you get paid to watch people sleep?

Yeah, we hear this all the time.  We arent offended by it by any means, but I thought I'd take a few minutes to let everyone out there know what it is that Twin and I actually do :)  We are both RPSGT's, which stands for Registered Polysomnogram Technologist.  Say that three times while spinning in circles..I dare you!!  Its a fancy name for Sleep Tech.  What is it that we do?  Well, we get paid to watch people sleep.  TAA DAAAAA!  ok, no, really, we do lots of stuff while our patients are sleeping.  Lets discuss sleep apnea for a minute.

Sleep Apnea is essentially when you stop breathing in your sleep.  Heres what happens if you have sleep apnea.  YOU DIE!  ok, maybe not instantly, but it can lead to a whole lotta nastiness if left untreated.  When you fall asleep, your muscles relax.  This includes the muscles in the back of your throat and surrounding areas.  If you have sleep apnea, when these muscles and tissue relax, they collapse, cutting off your airway.  This makes your oxygen level drop, which prompts your brain to say "Hey, wake up and breathe!".  You take another breath or two, your body relaxes again, and your throat closes off.  When your oxygen level drops, your heart rate increases.  When your level goes back to normal, it decreases.  Its been compared to running a marathon in your sleep (but you dont get the physical benefits of running the marathon).  Most people havent the foggiest idea that they have sleep apnea, they just know that they are tired all of the time.  Many patients come in and say "Well, my spouse says I snore really loud and that I stop breathing, but I think I'm fine".  We hook them up, and no, they arent fine, they are half a beat away from death.  I've honestly had some nights where I stare at a patient and wonder how in the world they are still on this earth.  Sleep apnea leads to high blood pressure, obesity, impaired cognitive skills, chronic fatigue, and on and on. 

How do we treat it?  Well, theres this crazy little invention called CPAP.  Continuous Positive Airway Pressure.  CPAP is this little machine that sits beside the bed.  We hook a hose to the machine, with the other end going to a face mask that we fit you for.  When we turn it on, it filters room air through the machine, to the hose, to the mask.  This air goes into your nose, down your throat, into your lungs.  When the air reaches those muscles/tissue that have collapsed, it forces its way through, opening those muscles and holding them open.  This keeps your airway open, which regulates your oxygen level, heartbeat, etc.  At this point in the study, Twin and I both usually yell "BOOM! SAVED YOUR LIFE!".  Everyone has a certain level of air pressure that keeps the airway open, so part of our job is to work with different levels and see which one works best for you.

How do we do it?  Well, we are the awesome super twins, so we can do anything!!!!!!!!  hehehe  I took some pics last night, so I'll share those with you. 

Head Box

This is our main head box.  See all those little wires?  The majority of those go on your head in various places.  These are EEG leads.  They monitor your brain waves which lets us know when you are awake, asleep, and what stages of sleep you are getting into.  We put some on your head and face.  Theres also a bunch more monitors that we put on your neck, chest, abdomen, finger, and legs.  Its takes the average tech about a half-hour to hook all of the monitors on.  At some point during this time, its an absolute guarantee that the patient will ask "So, you really expect me to sleep with all of this on?".  We shake our head and laugh like its the first time we've ever been asked.  Honestly though, if I had a quarter for every time I've been asked that, I'd be much richer.  hahahahaha 

Heres a pic of my cart after I've got everything laid out to hook someone up.

Lots of goo and sticky stuff goes all over your body.  Its pretty awesome to rip off in the morning, especially if your crabby or rude to me!!!!!!!!  So, be nice to your sleep techs or you'll be missing hair in the morning!!!

Heres our tech room.  Its messy and cluttered, but we love it :)  It has a tv, which is AWESOME.  Twin and I always sit next to each other.  If someone gets in between us, we harass them until they leave the lab crying.  hehe  No, maybe not, but we think about it. 

And heres the main part of our job, what we stare at all night long until we are quite sure we are going blind.

All of those pretty monitors we put on you send all these pretty lines to our computers.  The top two are monitoring your eyes, as your eyes will twitch when you are in REM sleep (which is why its called Rapid Eye Movement).  The next 7 lines are your brain waves.  Depending on the shape and size of them, we can tell when you are awake, asleep, or fighting the zombie apocalypse.  The next two are your chin monitors.  They also change during REM sleep.  The next three are the belts that we put around  your chest and abdomen.  They go up and down with each breath you take.  If/when they go flat, it means you arent getting the signal to breath, which is a whole other problem.  The next red line is the cpap machine line.  This person is on cpap, so I make sure that line stays nice and wavy.  When it goes flat, I know theres an obstruction and its time to raise the pressure level.  The next two are leg monitors.  They check for restless leg syndrome.  Fun times!!!  Then you have two ekg lines, followed by your oxygen level and respiration levels.  The numbers on the bottom are associated with the cpap machine, what level you are on and what the leak is for the mask.  (for all you privacy law people out there, you can see I took this pic at an angle that does not show any patient information)

So, this is what we do while you are sleeping :)  Its an awesome job, and Twin and I both love it. 

Its either we laugh or...we laugh at our patients when they are sleeping!!!!!

Angie

adoption opportunity

I just took some ambien, so lets hope I can get this out before it kicks in. Such is the life of a sleep tech/mom/wife. I have NO circadian rhythm. Ok, so the sweet sweet Jennea is hosting an arbonne party for us this weekend. This darling woman is donating 20% of the proceeds to our adoption. If you haven't heard of or seen Arbonne, it is AMAZING YUMMY STUFF for health, body, and life. The make up is FABULOUS! I realize many of you won't be able to make it to the party, so here is the online information.

www.arbonne.com, enter ID #19980211 in the top right hand corner. Click login. (there is no password needed)

thank you to all of you! Please Please do not think I will be "offended" or not name my baby after you if you can't go. There will be many many opportunites, give aways, fund raisers etc. in the ffuture. I thank the Lord for each and every one of you every day.



its we either laugh or......we buy make up! whoop whoop!


chrissy

I think I just peed my pants!!!!!

In the words of my beloved Pastor WOAH BABY!!!! We JUST received an email from our angel Gertrude in Haiti. Gertrude is the head of the orphanage that has baby Alvarez. She is doing a private adoption for us!!!!! We're getting our little boy!!!!!! God is SO AMAZING!!! We're also inquiring about the little girl, Kendina!!!! I have NO idea what the cost is, but we're GOING for it with God in the lead!!!! Best news ever! Also, she said we can have this done in NINE MONTHS!!!! NINE MONTHS!!!! It's like I JUST got pregnant!!!! Can you all imagine?! NINE months and they could be home WITH ME! IN MY ARMS! I'm just shaking and having a heck of a time typing this. First things for us to do is to apply for passports and do an international home study. WHOOP WHOOP!!!!! God has answered our prayers!!!!!!


It's either we laugh or......idk...we just laugh and thank our God!!!

chrissy

Sitting on yellow

I wish I could say more to update about our adoption process, but we're still just sittin ducks right now. We're waiting on some sort of information to let us know which direction we need to proceed. Do we send the agency our application and money? Or do we sit tight and see if Baby Alvarez is going to be eligible for a private adoption? We're just waiting....and waiting....and waiting. I am at peace, I guess. I want information, however, this ain't my first rodeo when it comes to adoption. I know full well that we will get the information and direction when it's time. I feel like I'm sitting at a yellow light, revving my engine, ready to go all gang busters on this, but God is just saying WAIT!!! HANG ON!!! I WILL TELL YOU WHEN TO GO! So....I wait, and pray, and wait and pray some more. It's the calm before the storm , I know. As soon as I know something, all you praying for us will know something. Until then, PLEASE continue to pray for us. Specifically, please pray that we get some definite answers soon as to how to proceed with all this.

Love you all,

chrissy