Small Boy Training Camp...I'm a genius

4 small boys...........4 small boys.............4 FLIPPIN SMALL BOYS!!!!!  Lord almighty, I love my sons, but today is one of those days where I'm sitting here at the end of the day wondering "What the hell just happened".  The events of today got me thinkin.....There is a missing niche in the market, and I think I've discovered it.  Its called "Small Boy training camp".  No, its not for small boys...its for the PARENTS of small boys.  Seriously, I think every ultrasound tech should be ready with brochures.  When they detect a boy is to be born, the tech can hand out the brochure and say "A certificate of completion is required before we let you take your boy home, in ten years you'll thank us"  

Upon arrival, you may notice that this is not your "typical" camp.  Its in a warehouse.  A warehouse of PAIN!  You will enter the Pain Zone (PZ for short) and immediately be hit in the face with a stick.  Why?  What did you do to deserve this?  Absolutely nothing.  You need to get used to that sting, cuz you're going to feel it every day for at least 10 years.  See, when  you put a stick into a Small Boys (SB) hands, it immediately becomes a tool of destruction.  Its not a magical wand, a conductors baton, or a drum stick...its a WEAPON FOR CAUSING PAIN!  The same with baseball bats, play swords (which hurt really bad and makes me wonder who the heck thought of such torture devices), and the neighbors cat.  All of these and many more will immediately turn your angel into a demon.  You've been warned.

Once your face stops throbbing, its onto hardware.  This is for you dads out there.  I dont care if you are a handy man, you're gonna have to know some things before you bring your SB home.  If you dont know them, then you need to have some serious cash stashed away for the handy man you will have to call.  First up...toilets.  Each man will be timed on how long it takes them to snake, snake again, give up on snaking, rip the toilet out, retrieve the object (and yes, it will be an object), replace the wax ring, and put the toilet on again.  I'm proud to say that Andy has this down to usually under 10 minutes.  He's a flippin PRO at it.  You get points taken off if you become nauseous at any time.  After toilets, its the sinks.  You need to figure out how to get various items out that your SBs have managed to get into a drain.  Paper towel, lego men, toothbrushes, and chicken nuggets have all been squished down my bathroom sink. 

While the men are busy playing with hardware, its the womens turn.  Ladies, this is where it helps to be slightly psychotic.  You need to learn to think on your feet.  First lesson....language arts. Here you will learn the art of saying "stop hitting your brother" in 4 different languages and tones.  One of them may be effective with your SB. You will also learn how to come up with diseases and maladies that dont exist or will never happen.  You need to think fast and make it as gruesome as possible.  For example, say your SB wants to jump off something that is a bit too high.  I assure you, a simple "No, you might get hurt" is not going to persuade them that it is a bad idea.  Its more like this "if you jump off of that object, than your leg is going to fall off, your eyeballs will bleed, and you'll have to poop into a bag for the rest of your life".  You have to be as deadly serious as you possibly can.  NO LAUGHING!!!!!  Same goes for insects, if you dont know the name of the bug, make it up and make it as deadly as possible.  "If you touch that Beetle Raptor, then it'll bite you and you'll get these horrible bleeding spots all over  your body and theres no medicine for it and then you die".  See, its as easy as that.
 After you have learned how to speak in tongues, its onto crafts.  Each woman will be given a "girly" craft...the women will be timed on how quickly they can turn that girly craft into a manly craft.  Most little boys HATE girlie things.  For example, last year I registered Eli for VBS.  When we arrived, he was given a nametag with a corresponding insect on it.  Eli was quite upset that he was put in the "girly butterfly group".  I quickly grabbed a marker and his name tag.  I drew fangs on the butterfly and said "There, now you are in the butterfly vampire group".  He was ECSTATIC! 

Next, the men and women will join back up.  As you walk through the PZ, you may notice dispensers on the walls.  These dispensers contain little white or peach-colored pills.  These are the Xanax dispensers, and no men, they arent for you, they are for your wives.  Men, you need to calmly walk your wife to these dispensers and say that its chocolate for mommies.  Men, you dont get any because its your punishment for putting your mothers through whatever it is that you did when you were younger.  That'll teach you!!!!!!!!

Now its time for a group activity.  Men, when you signed in, you were asked for your occupation.  Each men will be taken to his designated work area (cubicle with complex computer, cars for mechanics, farm equipment, whatever it is that you do).  Calmly start doing your job.  At any given moment, something horrible will happen to that equipment.  At the same time, your wives will begin texting you.  The texts will look something like this "HELP, I NEED YOUR HELP, THE BOYS DID THIS AND THAT AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND ITS YOUR FAULT!"  Men, you need to concentrate on both issues at hand.  Should you neglect to answer your wives texts, then a phone call will follow.  I assure you, you DONT want the phone call. 

Next, we're going to play the SB version of "Telephone".  Remember that game when you were younger?  You'd get a line of people, a phrase would start on one end and then end up all jumbled by the time it got to the other end?  The SB version will put husband against wife.  Wives, you will be put into a room with several SB's.  Husbands, you call your wives with very important information.  Wives, you are awarded points as to how accurate you are with your husbands info.  While your husband is speaking, the SBs will be kicking you, tugging on your clothes, throwing cake batter at their brothers, chasing a hamster, pretending to be spiderman on the walls, and yelling "MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THE TOILETS BROKE AGAIN!".  You cannot ignore the SB's, as they will only get louder until you address them.  (and you wonder why I like email and texting)

The last training exercise is for Mom and Dad.  Its called "What is that spot on the wall?".  Each couple will be given multiple tiles of dried "stuff".  Each will need to be correctly identified and bonus points will be given if either one knows how to remove it without damaging the wall.  Some examples will be oatmeal, chocolate, ketchup, oreo, blood, etc. 

Once you have completed all the exercises, you will be awarded with nothing.  Yep, not a darn thing.  However, you will be allowed to take your SB home from the hospital, which in itself is enough reward :)


I love my sons.  I love them so much :)  And, this is going to make me millions......


Its either we laugh or....we go to BED!

Angie